Let me start this post with the saying "amaka does not
squat in mushin but jogs in VI for nothing".
Exam, that thing that resets your brain, makes you sweat,
bite your nails, transform you into a pastor and hold night vigils to cast and
bind all those your village people who were dancing shoki when you failed WAEC
the first time. You do all this in a bid to pass or get good grades. What exam
does to people in my school would shock you, you think sey you sabi carry bomb,
you never jam....some people would apply their yahoo yahoo skills on that
day...all for one paper...i call all these Apor movements EXAM FEVER.
Let’s go back to the beginning where it all began.

Oya class don start....immediately, they would all switch to
default mode, which is 'BLACKBERRY MODE'...All them people fighting for front
row seats won't hear a single word being said. Poor lecturer would talk and
talk, sweat, drink from his small voltic water bottle, drop small small hints
about potential exam questions but mbanu, they won't hear a word....all of them
chatting and pinging, making their village people rejoice, dey happy say them
go use their destiny drink pepper soup. Lecturer soon gets tired, dude checks
his watch then asks ' any question?', that’s the only time they would lift
their heads and reply like nursery school children ' NO SAH'... lecturer would
then ask 'do you understand all i explained?', they would reply again 'YES
SAH', if hin make mistake ask question, hehehehe...only maybe one overzealous
student would answer or one of them '#beautyandbrains girls' would answer the
question with something that would make the lecturer regret ever coming to
class that day. After the class ends, some of them won't even know, you would
hear things like ' the class don end'....' wetin the man talk'.....' abobi you
understand wetin this man teach so?'....
Fast forward to exam day, chika and co are freaked out,
wired and looking damn right crazy , all because of exam fever. All the dragon
lady makeup is gone and the blackberry babes look like something amadioha
rejected. Funny thing is they would all come to school without them weaves,
troll nails and clown paint on their faces, it scares me at times, (these girls
ought to give some notice before coming out). Anyways, back to the matter, the
exam hall is full of students you've never seen before, but they are all
writing the course. Weird part is that guy’s tush up more than girls during
exams, i don't understand why. The hall buzzes like a hive full of olodorapatas
ready to murder my dear English language in the course of writing their papers.
Most people would go back and forth from the toilet, hiding scraps of papers in
disgusting enclosed spaces while the brave ones who seem to have borrowed the
liver of a dibia would hide said papers on their person. You would hear them
guys saying 'na phone sure pass'. Some students would try to cram up some last
minute bits of information they think would be a life saver in their exams.
Kor..... kor.....kor goes the sound of Mrs. invigilator's
shoes,( we all have the notion that women anything are bad news, don’t know
why, but it seems true, most women lecturers are pure undiluted evil, worse are
women bosses, let me not even dive into that pool of drama, i would never come
out). Anyways, she struts in with the words 'don't fuck with me' plastered all
over her caked face, the words 'take out all your books' left her mouth in an
authoritative manner, the scrambling and scuttling begins, everyone is trying
to arrange themselves, establish alliances, in some minutes it ends and
everyone is seated. The invigilator then announces ' if you have any
incriminating material, bring it forward' (as if). After a long silence of
everyone pretending not to have bombs on them, the papers are shared, and the
exam begins, for at least three to four minutes the hall is quiet but like they
say, there's always some quiet before a storm, and in this case the storm is a
sea of broken English from the leaders of tomorrow. Outburst of ' chimoooo',
'yesu','ah don die', 'this man never teach us this thing before' and so on.
'Silence!!' Goes madam invigilator, the exam goes on and in twenty minutes,
everyone has heard nature's call and needs to answer it with the urgency of a
yoruba woman in labor. This goes on for a while until the most principled prick
in the school strolls in with malpractice forms, also known as 'free
unsolicited visas to your country or village'....everyone calms down, he stops
the frequent urinations and tells them to discipline their bladders. The thing
about Mr. Principles is he always knows where your bomb is and when to catch
you red handed. Once, some dude had pleaded and pleaded to be let go (nature
was calling him on his phone).Mr. principles let him go but followed him to the
bathroom, secretly of course. The boy went in the stall and was checking
answers on his phone when he got busted, Mr. principles took him back to the
hall and was making him apply for the visa when the boy in anger blurted 'you
were peeping me, why were you peeping me, don’t you know you can go to jail for
that', it was funny to us but not to the unlucky boy.
The exam went on for a while but towards the end, when
everyone thought they were lucky and Mr. principles was losing his touch, he
struck, two boys who were about to submit were sitting on their bombs and
forgot about them, as they stood to submit, well, you can just imagine the grin
on Mr. principles face, just like fashola's own. Almost immediately, another
culprit was caught, a last minute crammer had scribbled some answers on her
hands, major stupidity, how many marks was that going to fetch?...hmph.. sad
part about all the visas being issued was that the old/matured students who
looked like parents of kids in secondary schools never got caught despite the
fact that they carried the biggest bombs of all, i mean, this mama is hiding a
big book in her buluku gown, papa James has the handout in his coat pockets, the
invigilators see them but ignore, guess they feel like them old people don't
have time to read everything or don't deserve to be punished. At the end of the
exam, tears are shed, laughter is heard, and visas are granted, empty threats
are issued and so on. Exam fever, if only there was a way to treat this
disease.
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